DON’T DATE A WRITER

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Trigger Warning: Stereotypes. Oh, and the writer relinquishes all responsibility for any decisions directly or indirectly influenced by this. *smirk* Shall we?

Don’t date a writer, he cannot keep a secret. He’ll write about your most embarrassing moment, as his own or a fictional character, with fancier words and more vivid description and no, you do not get credit for it. Poetic license, he’ll claim.

And to exacerbate this, he has a rare ability to inveigle information out of you such that you find yourself saying “You know, I’ve never told anyone that.” grrr. The problem is he asks a lot of questions. Unnecessary questions.

Dating a writer is a lot like dating Adele. When she sings about a jerk, you are the jerk. Over enthusiastic fans will hate you and no one will ever listen to your side of the story. She’ll say her heart was carelessly(yes, she’ll say carelessly) strewn by an undeserving fellow and we will all feel her pain and hate you without meeting you.

Don’t date a writer, he lives most of his life in his head. He is constantly turning things over in his head and *now whispering* he has full fledged conversations with the voices in his head. You’re lucky if he does not talk to himself out loud. Case in point, he is a psycho who does not exhibit enough of it to be in hospital. Call it mild schizophrenia. Oh, and there’s very little chance you’ll be part of the life in his head.

It is common knowledge, writers are drunks. If not, caffeine addicts or some dangerous beverage and they’ll excuse themselves by saying Ernest and Charles were drunks but great writers too. There must be a correlation. (Yes, they like to call dead writers by their first names like you should be knowing they were referring to Hemingway and Bukowski as though they live in the flat opposite yours. You’re lucky if he does not call Shakespeare William.) Save yourself, don’t go through this.

Anha! on that note, they think they are too good for cliches. Oh, you should know how cliche they are though. They like red velvet and Sia but they’ll expect you, their muse, to like sugarless scones and Italian contemporary. They’ll want you to challenge their opinion and give them 100 different views; what the Greek would do, how the Jewish think, what the atheist would say, Trump, Mugabe…you don’t have time for this. They are in life for the thrill and baby, you have dreams to chase.

He’ll use ‘somnolent’ instead of ‘drowsy’. Friendzone him. Don’t tolerate that arrogance.

Dear reader, if she is a poet, don’t even ask for her number. She thinks she is a goddess. You’ll have to read the thesaurus and a bunch of books by dead people because “Beautiful is a lousy and lazy way to describe me*” she’ll say. Find someone that doesn’t demand so much of yourself and is easy to impress, don’t date a poet.

He is on The New Yorker and Paris Review as much as you are on Twitter and SnapChat(weirdos just *rolls eyes*). You know those annoying people who can send you a link to anything? Did you say you sleep a lot? Here’s a link on hypersomnia. Did you say you can’t remember something? Here, it happened to people who were in the Auschwitz too. Blah blah blah. He has been through the cobwebs of the inter-web (see what I did there? No? Yeah, me neither) or dusty bookshelves and have unimportant information like how Rowling came up with the word ‘muggle’. Don’t settle for this, please don’t.

Don’t date a writer, she’ll write something like this and still expect you to date her πŸ˜‰

Next Post: Guide to Dating a Writer


*From the book, Questions for Ada by Ijeoma Umebinyuo. I know, I need to get over myself and stop quoting her.

 

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48 thoughts on “DON’T DATE A WRITER

  1. OMG! The writer part is so true to me hehe. I literally have full fledged conversations (out aloud) with myself…even though I don’t refer to dead writers and call Shakespeare and Bukowski by their first names LOL. My last boyfriend always used to feel insecure by my ability to turn something otherwise meaningless and unemotional into a full wedged story people would relate to. He forever asked me and with contempt too – if I thought I was smarter than him. Of course, I told him I was, ALL THE DAMN TIME!!!!

    I loved this so much πŸ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I laughed out loud at your piece AND the comments. “Kevin Hart Voice” You’re so funny.

    The thing is: you nailed it.

    You may have forgotten …

    The part where he/she can spend hours alone in a dark room( or cupboard) for hours devouring words at length with no care in the world.

    “But this is a relationship, you’re not in it. You’re always with your stupid books”
    “You’re right. This relationship isn’t working. Can we break-up so I write about it?”

    Or the part where he/she is always watching people. All the time. Everywhere. And taking mental notes.
    “Hmmm. Interesting. Did you see that?”
    “See what?”
    ‘The way she walked passed him and smiled”
    “Wait…are you stalking that woman?”
    “No. Why would I do that? She’s a strong character. She’s obviously not going to fall for stalking! How dare you?!”

    Or the tonne of unfinished stories ( and unread books). Writers hoard books. It’s almost pathological.

    ” Can I borrow this book?”
    “No. I am still reading it”
    “What about this other one”
    ‘Still reading it”
    “Can I take it when you’re done?”
    “That depends…you see the thing is…”
    “Fine. Fine. I get it. You don’t lend books. You give them away”
    *looks up for the first time in the conversation* “You. Are. Such. A. Sweetheart”

    I still can’t even call myself a writer. I think that is one trait many have as well.
    This is the longest comment I have written in a long time.

    Hmm….

    “The force must be strong with this one”

    Arighato!

    Liked by 5 people

    • πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚The comments are always more insightful than the post (okay, in most cases like this one.) And you are so right, it’s hard to believe. I do that thing where I sub-consciously look at people so intently and they go like “Why are you looking at me like that?”
      “Like how?”
      “Like *waves hands* that.”
      Of course I never know what to say. And I had never thought about why I hoard books πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
      Well, thanks for dropping a long comment. I love long comments. Is that a writer thing too?

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Isn’t it weird how people will read themselves in a story that is not even theirs….. people do that So when the writer writes, based on guess what people, you cant help but see yourself there because there is a piece of you in a person you have never met.
    ~ Thats what the voices in my head say anyway and they are surprisingly insightful

    But Charles and Earnest wrote damn good? And Oscar very quotable too.

    ~B

    P.S. imagine a writer dates a poet……..

    Liked by 2 people

      • Writer and Poet union:

        Two overly introspective, super sensitive cynics in constant pursuit of “me time” within the walls of their home, which said home is a place where the coffee cups are never washed and the room is littered with crumpled pieces of paper and an ink stained bed with lost pens and spiral note pads in the sheets. And there is a light of the laptop at 3pm in the morning shining to a bag eyed human being playing Lana del Rey on repeat.

        Beaton. nO. This is the stuff that they put in nuclear bombs.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. *sips on whisky in a short glass and let’s it dance in his mouth as he listens to the voice in his head telling him a story*

    You just told every girl out there to date a writer. What girl doesn’t love being immortalized? Who?

    Side note: I once was in a relationship and never did I write about her. Not how she looked. How she talked. And guess what? She dumped me. Because I did not find her ‘inspirational’ enough.

    *Pour more whisky into short glass*

    Liked by 5 people

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